Rough Patch
Whether it will be short or long is anyone's guess
I drafted this at the beginning of January, when we were still in Kuala Lumpur, but forgot about it. It still resonates as I read it now, so I’m hitting publish!
It seems we may be hitting the three month slump a month early. I knew it was coming and, whether this is it or just a different speed bump, time will tell. I knew picking up to travel the world wasn’t going to be easy. Sure, there are all the differences like living spaces, food, language, and transportation. And I’m not minimizing those because they definitely matter. But the deeper absences are starting to be felt — in particular, friends and community.
We are currently in Kuala Lumpur for two reasons: 1) To see how we like Malaysia and to get a cursory sense for whether it could be somewhere we might consider staying for a while, and 2) to overlap with a worldschooling pop-up hub that’s happening. One of the principal challenges I know tween/teen worldschoolers face is how to make and have friendships while traveling. So a variety of “camps”/gatherings (aka hubs) have sprung up in different parts of the globe to help kids connect. They are all different in intent, duration, and cost. What I like about the one we’re here for is that it’s low cost and flexible. We can join in the activities that interest us and skip the ones that don’t. I thought it would be a nice way to dip our toe in and a good way for the girls to interact with some other kids. And, if I’m being honest, I knew I’d enjoy interacting with other families.
Anyway, best laid plans. We went to “opening day,” as it were and it wasn’t the girls’ cup of tea. There were too many people, it was hot and humid, and they weren’t comfortable approaching strangers to introduce themselves, especially kids that were older. I tried to help facilitate some introductions, but it didn’t help. It felt forced and they weren’t interested.
Making friends is often awkward and takes multiple attempts, even as an adult. In fact, especially an adult. I’m intimately familiar with this; I’ve started over various times as we’ve moved around, even before the girls were born. It’s hard and can be lonely. But perhaps I’m equipped in a way the girls aren’t, yet. I’m not afraid to go up and start talking to new people, generally speaking. I find others interesting and I don’t expect that we’ll become lifelong friends, but often I can learn something about or from them and that perspective is enough for me.
While the girls have also started over several times as we’ve moved, they crave some stability and deeper friendships. And given their age, it’s something they need developmentally. They had nice friendships in California, so their discomfort at the worldschooling event was also coming from a place of frustration with having been yanked from a life they were comfortable with — one that they wanted to keep living. And I can’t blame them for this. We all crave stability and predictability; it’s how humans are wired.
It’s not that they’re completely opposed to meeting others while on our gap year, but from their perspective they don’t see the point. They figure they’ll never see these people again and so their encounters won’t turn into real friendships. I know the power of online friendships, but I suspect the girls’ view of anything online is that it’s one way: It’s content to be consumed (e.g., gaming and YouTube videos). They can connect with others via WhatsApp, but there probably isn’t enough shared experience to really help them sow seeds of friendship. And unless or until they’re open to this as a means of making new connections (and to making new connections period), all we can do is lead the horse to water.
I’m not sure where things will go from here. We don’t intend to travel long term, but we do still have months of travel ahead of us. And while there are worldschool hubs that are a bit less transient and focused more on shared activity and experience, they likely aren’t going to line up with our travels or larger objective, which is to see if we can identify a country to stick around in for a while and maybe put the kids in school in so they can build friendships and community.
It may be tempting to think: Why not just go back to the US and wait till the girls are done with high school and then go travel? And who knows? Maybe that’s what will happen. But we want the girls to be comfortable enough to navigate the world and new experiences with confidence and a broader perspective. And we ourselves want a broader perspective.
To be clear, I love California and miss it a lot. So do the girls. But we were only ever back for a short stint (which turned into three years), and the Bay Area is a bubble. It was only when we moved to Colorado years ago that we could really see it. And yes, we’ve spent most of our life in various West Coast bubbles. Hence, branching out to see more of the world—because we don’t know what we don’t know until and unless we try new things, uncomfortable as they may be. And we are definitely in a period of discomfort that may grow before it gets better. So I guess we’ll have to strap on our seat belts, as it may be a bumpy ride.
When’s the last time you did something uncomfortable (on purpose)? What helped you keep going?