A Kaleidoscope of Emotion
On the brink of exhaustion
I knew getting ready to leave was going to be stressful and emotional, but I severely underestimated just how much so. Between trying to transition the rest of my work (no coasting for me—in fact, I’m working harder), find a home for Squeakers (this has me the most distressed out of everything), and take care of final appointments (particularly before insurance runs out), I have a To Do list 3 miles long and not nearly enough time to tackle it.
Then layer ALL the emotions of joy, excitement, wonder, gratitude, curiosity, sadness, fear, and anxiety around leaving in general and I feel overwhelmed and exhausted most days. The girls have their own tween/teen emotions they’re navigating, both because of their ages and then also due to their own kaleidoscope of emotions around leaving. So pretty much at any given moment the women of the house are barely holding it together — and sometimes we aren’t. Thank goodness C is like a rock; he’s somehow level headed and calm as a cucumber.
The way this is wreaking havoc on me is through sleep, or lack thereof. Let’s just say it’s been really difficult lately. I’m lucky to get six hours of broken sleep a night and lately I’ve been wide awake starting anywhere from 3:30am to 5:30am, but sometimes also at 1am or 2am. I’m pretty much teetering towards a breakdown. I’ve had chronic insomnia since S was born, so at some level this isn’t unfamiliar, but even this amount of disruption is at the extreme end. (I’ll do a separate post on how I’ve been trying to wean off of the prescription sleep meds I’ve been taking for years.)
If I could have any superpower right now it would be to have the ability to sleep like a teenager (because let’s be real — babies’ sleep in fits and spurts, but teens sleep like the dead); I would give anything to fall into the kind of slumber where you wake up with lines on your face wondering what day it is. Alas, I must’ve pissed off the universe in a previous life and so am surviving on coffee and adrenaline.
I carved out just enough time this morning for a walk because I desperately needed to move my body. Physical exercise (running or walking for me) is absolutely necessary for me to process stress and other feelings of overwhelm. Interestingly, I listened to this TED Radio Hour podcast: So much sitting, looking at screens. Can we combat our sedentary lives? I can’t wait till my day isn’t ruled by 30- or 60-minute Outlook appointments and I can spend more of my day moving my body. Soon! Until then, I’ll hang on through what little sleep I can manage to get and try to take more breaks for physical movement. How do you move through stress/anxiety and big emotions in your life?
I have had countless life experiences that induced a great amount of stress, so many I think I have learned to think of it as normal or just the cards life has dealt me with. It’s not until recent years that life turned around for me, and let’s just say, there’s better days than not. However, the stress is still there, or how easily I react to it. It sound like I am speaking in code here, but those who really know me -know. Like yourself, I found that movement is what I need to deal with the thoughts in my head or the stress I carry. I find it empowering to move my body because it’s the one thing I have full control over. I am solely responsible for getting out there and running or walking or whatever form of exercise it may be to improve my mental and overall health. I hope you get some sleep soon, it’s overdue. And I am really, really excited for your journey ahead. You will look back one day and hopefully laugh. Cheers to life and to keep it moving (literarily). 😘 cyn