(How) Do You Leverage Others When Life Gets Hard?
Do you ask for help or go it alone?
When things get hard, how do you move forward? (Hard is relative, of course, so think about it in whatever context this means for you.) Do you tend to turn inward and rely on yourself, muscling through alone? Or do you turn outward and ask for help? Maybe you do a bit of both? I was thinking about this recently in multiple contexts.
When we were traveling nomadically, I was struggling to let go of my professional identity, which was a massive shift for me. I wanted someone to talk to about it but didn’t know who. At the same time, I was trying to research and plan the logistics of our travel and I definitely wanted help with that, but I was afraid of relinquishing control; it felt like the one thing left that I had agency over, so I fell back into old patterns despite knowing that offloading it would make my life better. (Sometimes we can’t get out of our own way!)
When S got hurt last month and we had to figure out how to ensure she got care, asking for help was a necessity because we didn’t know how to navigate the medical system in Albania. But when we returned home from the hospital, S refused our help. She wanted to do everything by herself (as much as she could, anyway), even though it was painfully difficult for her to do so. She just wanted a sense of agency. (Guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.)
Here’s the thing about help: You have to be ready to ask for it and also ready to accept it. And we aren’t always. Growing up in the US in particular (I know other countries/cultures are different), we’re taught to be self-reliant. There’s a certain pride that comes from doing things by yourself. And perhaps a certain shame from not being able to do so. Of course, much of that is cultural and learned. But some is also based on how we’re internally wired. It’s a bit of nature and nurture. But with practice, we can learn to be more open to asking for and receiving help.
Why would we want to? Because it can lighten our load.
I went through a difficult time at work several years ago. I ended up in a role that was a poor fit, with insufficient support or clarity. My self-confidence was at a low and I knew I needed to take action. So I nervously crafted a message and sent it to five people I trusted. I told them I was struggling and asked if they could share one thing that they appreciated about me. It took so much courage to send; I felt raw and exposed. What if they didn't respond? I took a deep breath and sent the email anyway.
Every single one of them responded (one called immediately). I was floored at the grace and warmth I received back. Each one of them, in their own way, picked me up and held me, metaphorically. One of the conversations even led me to apply for a role that I didn't otherwise know about, and it opened a door to a path forward that I couldn’t have seen.
Of course, there’s a big difference between asking for help to navigate a medical issue (or even to book travel) and asking for help as it relates to your career or something even more personal. The latter requires a lot more vulnerability, and that requires trust and psychological safety. It is orders of magnitude more difficult. If you are someone who has been at a point in your life where you’ve asked for help and had it go sideways for any reason, I can understand why you especially may not want to ask for help. But I also know that we aren’t meant to go through life alone, struggling by ourselves when things feel hard. And yet, so many of us do at times.
It can be scary to expose what lies at our core. What if we’re misunderstood or judged? Often, I think the help we want is not necessarily for someone else to solve our problems but more so for someone to see us, to acknowledge our discomfort, to listen to us express ourselves as we try to work things out with our own agency, and to respect our perspective in the process without necessarily trying to change us or steer us in a particular direction (though a nudge or two and a different perspective can be hugely instrumental in helping us find forward momentum).
We are, many of us, at a point in time when life feels challenging and uncertain, for a multitude of reasons. Connecting with others is key to moving through such seasons, whether it overtly involves asking for help or not. Sometimes the help being sought is simply in finding someone to listen and share your story with.
If this resonates, let me know. I’m working on an idea that I want to share, but it isn’t quite ready. For now, I’m holding a metaphorical candle to help illuminate a way forward. And I’m available to listen and lift you up, synchronously (talk or text) or asynchronously (text or email), so please feel free to reach out [laura dot payette at gmail dot com].